Martinis and Chelsea Handler

There are two things in this world that I love and as you know, martinis are one of them. The other is Chelsea Handler, star of the Chelsea Lately show. Funniest woman on TV (next to Ellen, of course!). Okay, before you all start hollering at me, yes I love Ned too. It's just he comes after martinis and Chelsea Handler.

Anyhoo, as Chelsea loves loves loves her vodka, I thought it would be a perfect idea if I became her personal martini maker. How cool would that be? My friend Juno who has been my little martini partner is extremely funny and talented and I have ordered her to write a script for an audition tape. She is currently jobless in Seattle so hey, what has she got to lose.

I can just see myself now, living in LA and making martinis for the fabulous and famous. Sigh. If only.

So here is the first (of what I think will be many) letter to Chelsea asking for a martini audition:


Dear Chelsea

Not sure if you actually read this or if you have some sap intern who monitors this crap for you but it is worth a try.

Have been a fan for forever. Well, since last year anyway. And being a fan I have realized just how much you love vodka. I understand, I love vodka too. In fact I love vodka that much that I started the Rockapoodle Martini company. Huge success. So, okay, we just had two gigs so far but still, huge success.

By day I work at an engineering college where I am surrounded by nerdy engineers who like to examine tiny particles and other useless stuff. But by night I am a martini maker, a martini lover, a martini connoisseur. And it is my dream - no wait, my destiny - to be your personal martini maker. Just think how convenient it would be; I would be there while you prepare for your show, with a martini just for you. I would be there as you are waiting off stage, with a martini just for you. I would be there during commercial break when instead of having to make small talk with boring guests, I could run on stage with a martini, just for you.

So all I am asking is for a chance, an audition even, to be your own personal martini maker. Oh, and I come with my own sidekick, her name is Juno and yes, that is her real name. And as she is 24, no she wasn't named after the movie. She was, however, the one that introduced me properly to you. Until Juno, I thought your name really was Chelsea Lately.

Hope you will consider this request. If not, there will be many more to follow. Either way I should make it on perezhilton.com for either being your personal martini maker or having a restraining order filed against me.

Cheers
M

Watch this space!

KMA!

I love Joel McHale and The Soup. I love it even more when Whitney yells "Kiss My Ass!"

Crap...Scrap...Whatever!

Nancy gave me an award, and made me laugh because she said she thought it said "Honest Crap" which I actually think is the better title! And the deal is that I have to tell you 10 things about myself and choose 10 people for the award. Ugh, the pressure!!!

1. I once had to pee in a field in North Carolina because my car had broken down and I was stuck on the side of the road forever with not a bathroom in sight. Just as I squatted down to pee, a cop drove by and caught me in all my glory!

2. I become very flirtatious when drunk and often end up making out with people I shouldn't!

3. My best friend in England is the only girl in the world that I would switch teams for. I wish I could find the guy equivalent of her.

4. I hate horror movies and especially zombies and vampires, but I love the BBC show Being Human and have now just started watching The Vampire Diaries.

5. My favorite food is Thai - especially sizzling dishes that come in a peanut sauce!

6. The best recipe that my mom ever gave me was for an orange pie - most delicious thing ever!

7. The majority of my friends in America are not American, but are from other countries!

8. I am petrified of people imitating monkeys - not monkeys themselves, just humans imitating them. If you meet me, you must never use this against me, I have been known to pee my pants!

9. Despite what my records say and what other people think, I am 39 AGAIN!

10. I love my son more than anyone or anything in this world, even though sometimes he can be SO annoying!

Okay, now for 10 people. Do I know 10 people? Do 10 people even care about my blog anymore since I fell to the wayside? Hmmm!

1. Welshy, because she is just lovely and Welsh and lets me call her a Wench!

2. Kat at Mama's Losin' It, because she is the funniest.

3. Karla at Zander and Me because we are both single moms with the cutest kids ever!

4. Bitsy because she is this super dooper 1950's style housewife living in 2009!

5. Shelly, because she is kick ass and is coming to visit me this weekend!

6. Funny Gals, because they are funny, they drink martinis, and if I ever move to Boston we will be having martini parties together!

7. Retro Girl, because she is that cool, and she has a huge huge heart.

8. Damn this is hard!

9. Did you like how I did that?

10. Soda & Candy, for not taking life too seriously and being funny as well!

Phew, now off you go little ones and do the same!

Saying Goodbye

On Monday August 24th, I drove to San Francisco with my friend J, who is as funny as hell and made me laugh the whole way there. It was the first day I didn't cry after my mom died. I had to get a passport and was stressed out that when I arrived, they would deny me for some reason. My flight left the very next day and I had to be on it.

What should have been a 4 hour plus drive to SF was 3.5 hours, including slowing down for an accident along the way, and I nervously went into the office ahead of my appointment just to make sure I was on the list. Not only was I on the list but they let me in early. I couldn't believe how smoothly everything went and after going back in the afternoon, I emerged with an American passport in my hands. I have to say, the passport office staff were lovely and there were no issues at all, which was a huge relief.

Ned and I flew to England where a friend picked us up from the airport and drove us to my parents house. Except it is just my dad's house now and it makes me so sad to say that, because everything in the house, from the ornaments to the decor, were chosen by my mom. Pictures of my mom were scattered around the house, one with Ned when he was only 7 weeks old, and it just made me sad. Made me sad to think that I would never see her again, that she would never see her grandchildren again, and that she wouldn't drive me crazy again. Because she did drive me crazy, believe me! But it is so weird, when they die you only remember the really good stuff, and it makes you miss them even more.

The funeral was at the same church where we had Ned christened on Christmas Day, and although we didn't realize it at the time, my sister picked out the exact same outfit that she wore that day for her to be dressed in for her funeral. It was only a week later when we looked at the photographs that we both realized. It was the same vicar too which was really nice. There is a lot of tradition in England with funerals and we left the house in a car that followed the hearse and all of the neighbors came out and bowed their heads as we passed by. Before we got to the end of the street, the funeral director got out and with his top hat under his arm, he walked in front of the hearse as they walk the dead out from their street.

We arrived at the church a little early and watched as more than 20 people went in. Little did we know that were going to be another 200 or so already inside. The church was full - my mom would have been so happy! The vicar led us into the church with the coffin and the music that blasted from the sound system was a favorite of my moms - Mahalia Jackson's I'm on my Way! I walked down the church aisle holding on to my dad's arm - I hadn't done this in 17 years when he gave me away at my first wedding in the very same church. It was such a surreal feeling. The coffin was so tiny, too tiny for a woman with such an enormous presence.

The service was beautiful and there were many things that made us cry and some anecdotes from the vicar that made us laugh. I cried the hardest when they played Mahalia Jackson singing the Lord's Prayer.

My faith in God and the life we go to after this one gave me so much comfort, because I know mom believed and I know that she is on her new journey now. I know that she isn't suffering and she doesn't feel any pain or loss. But I do. I am suffering and I feel a pain that I never knew existed and a loss that is unbearable. As my sister put it, she was such a force of nature that you half expected a black hole to open up where she once stood!

I know that with time it will become easier, everyone says that and I really hope it is true. But for now I am really sad and all I do is read and re-read the letter that she mailed to me on the very day that she went to hospital, and I wonder if part of her knew because she never usually wrote like this:

Just a little note to say I'm sending my love to you both. I wish I could wrap my arms around you every day, for real, not just in my head, but I know your lives are settled in America.......

By the time you get this I might be out of hospital so hopefully it won't be long before I talk to you. Till then my darlings be good, be well and be happy.

Lots of love, Mom