The Hardest Time of My Life

The title is a bit dramatic, but it is truly how I feel right now. My mom passed away in England on Friday morning and I feel a loss like no other. After a successful operation to remove cancer, she developed complications and had a massive stroke. She spent her last two weeks in intensive care and died peacefully on Friday.

Throughout my 40 years, my mother made me laugh, cry - in good times and bad times, angry, and sometimes sad. But most of all, she loved me and I am having a hard time comprehending that I will never see her again or speak to her on the phone each weekend. I am used to not seeing her as I live in a different country, but knowing that I won't be able to hear her voice is really hard. And I am so mad with myself because last week I went through my answer machine and deleted a bunch of messages, one of which was from her telling Ned and me how much she loved us.

When I got my citizenship I had to turn in my green card and I never applied for an American passport because as far as I was concerned, I wasn't traveling in the near future and I could do this any time. Now I have to race to San Francisco on Monday to get an emergency passport so I can fly out on Tuesday. Even then I won't be with my family until Wednesday around 4pm and that is just not soon enough. I need to be with my dad, sister and nephew so bad it aches.

There isn't anything anyone can say, I haven't written this for bunches of sympathy, I just needed to write it down. I know how it feels now for the other person who has lost someone and you are at a loss as to what to say, because no one knows what to say to me. I have received some lovely messages and my friends have been wonderfully caring. Someone is coming to San Francisco with me on Monday, even though it means they will be in the car for five hours, the passport office for however many hours, and then five hours back all in one day. I couldn't ask for better friends.

My mom drove me batty at times, especially in the last five years, there was a change in her and neither my sister and I could figure it out. She was 66 when she died, yet she talked like she was 80 and her life was almost over. It was, but no one knew this. I am just so grateful that she got to enjoy her two grandchildren and that I was home last Christmas and she was well and happy and we were all together for one last family Christmas. I don't think I could have timed it any better.

Ned understands what has happened, but because he didn't see his grandma as much as Marcus did, I don't think it has hit him that hard. And he is only five. But when I picked him up from school on Friday, I told him that we would be going back to England and he needed to take care of Marcus and grandpa because they were hurting really bad. His response was: "I am just going to say, hey guys, it's okay, she's an angel now".

She is an angel now, and knowing my dear mom, she is probably having the time of her life flitting around between family and friends and catching up on all the news and telling everyone what wonderful grandsons she has!

Love you mom, always.